Chapter 5: A Snake In
The Grass
Shortly after retrieving the ox
talisman, Lei had received word about the location of another
talisman, being exhibited in a New York museum, so Lei and his
teammates all boarded a flight out to New York City to track down the
talisman. Right now, Lei and the others are at the museum paying a
visit to see where the talisman is."Ah, New York, home of many unsolved crimes, Jay-Z, and the Yankees," said Ganryu.
"Eh, fuck the Yankees," grumled Wang.
"That's right Master, it's all about the Bay Area," replied Lei.
"You mean the YAY AREAAAAA!" shouted Wang.
Raven smacked Wang on the head and shushed him.
"Quiet you senile old fart, this is a museum," scolded Raven.
"Ai ya, you stole my trademark of smacking people on the head," cried out Wang who smacked Raven on his head.
"Hey, do you think the talisman is in here?" asked Xiaoyu who pointed to a wing of the museum that had a sign hanging over it saying "Ancient Asian Relics"
"That would be the most logical place to look," said King.
Lei and his friends entered that wing of the museum and after browsing around a bit, they came upon a glass case on a pedestal with a rock inside with a picture of a snake painted in green on it.
"Holy crap, it's the snake talisman!" shouted Lei.
"According to lore, the snake provides the power of invisibility, probably because a snake is known for being sneaky," informed Wang.
"Thanks for stating what we already know, the question is, how are we gonna get it before the Dark Hand," remarked Lei.
"We'll have to sneak in when the museum is closed and snag it," answered Raven.
"I suppose you're right, let's go make our plans for the break in tonight," suggested Lei.
The others nodded an headed out of the museum. At that moment, a young Japanese woman emerged from the wing as well, she scribbled down something on a notepad and then exited the museum as well. Later that night, Lei and company returned to the museum clothed all in black and had a bunch of spy equipment with them.
"Oh how I love the color black, it makes you look slim and sexy," commented Ganryu.
"Yeah right, you looked like a burnt turkey filled with helium!" retorted Wang.
"That's one I never heard before," said King.
"Ok, Lei, you need to go in there and get the snake talisman, but don't trip the security system otherwise we'll have Johnny Law down here faster than you can say Rin Pyoh Toh Sha Kai Jin Retsu Zai Zen," remarked Raven.
"Rin Pyoh Toh Sha Kai Jin Retsu Zai Zen," piped Lei.
"Please don't be a smart ass," grumbled Raven.
"It's better than being a dumb ass," replied Lei.
"Enough, we came here to get that snake talisman, so let's play mongoose and get the snake," suggested Xiaoyu.
"Hey, for once the brat said something smart," commented Ganryu.
"Hey, that's mean," pouted Xiaoyu.
Being very quiet and discreet, Lei and Raven picked the lock on a rooftop window and Raven tied a harness around Lei and lowered the relic hunter into the museum.
"Wang, use that chi spell to help Lei avoid tripping the security system," said King.
"Right! Yu Mow Gui Gwai Fie Di Zow!" chanted Wang.
As Wang chanted his chi spell, all of the hidden little security systems became visible to Lei as he snuck through the museum and carefully avoided tripping anything that may have caused the police to come. As Lei walked towards where the talisman was he saw someone bolt out of that wing, unfortunately for that person, she didn't see Lei and crashed right into him as Lei fell to the floor, the woman crashed right on top of him, her rather ample breasts landing right on top of Lei's face.
"Mmm mmf rmmf mrrf (I'm actually enjoying this)" mumbled Lei.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing here?" asked the woman gruffly.
"Why is it of any concern to you?" asked Lei.
"Well because I don't need you standing in the way of my mission?" answered the woman.
"I'm not standing in the way of your mission, I'm on my own mission to get the snake talisman for Section 13," replied Lei.
"Hey, that's my mission, why did you steal it from me?" screamed the woman.
"Huh, are you Asuka Kazama?" inquired Lei.
"Yeah that's my name, but what's it matter to you?" questioned Asuka.
"I'm Lei Wulong, Raven told me you'd be joining our group once we met," informed Lei.
"Oh, so you're Lei, well I guess it's a pleasure to meet you and I'm glad we're on the same side," said Asuka who shook Lei's hand.
"Hey Lei, what's taking you so long?" asked Xiaoyu who lowered herself into the museum and saw Lei with Asuka.
"Who's this little brat?" asked Asuka.
"Hey, shut up skank!" shouted Xiaoyu.
"No, you shut up Xiaoyu, don't cause a scene that will attract attention," ordered Lei.
"Too late, you already did attract attention," commented Steve who appeared out of nowhere with the rest of the Dark Hand.
"Nice going Big Boobs McGee," said Xiaoyu to Asuka.
"Shut up bitch," hissed Asuka.
"Horny man wants catfight!" yelled Paul.
"That's gross Paul, keep your beastiality fantasies to yourself," remarked Dragunov.
"Caveman clubs wife!" shouted Paul knocking Dragunov out for his comment.
"Obviously you guys never learn do you not?" asked King as he dropped in along with Raven, Wang, and Ganryu.
"Well this isn't a freaking school so of course we're not here to learn, we're here to get the talismans for that mythical beast," answered Hwoarang.
"Yeah right, I'll give Wang a full body massage, nuts and all before we let that happen," retorted Ganryu.
Steve, Hwoarang, Dragunov, Paul, and all the Jacks that were with them vomited at the thought of what Ganryu just said.
"Oh man, I feel sorry for the poor janitor who has to work in the morning," said Lei.
"Hey Ganryu, how about I do it instead of you?" asked Lee.
"Ai ya, I don't want no one touching my old balls, except fo this hot babe right here," cried out Wang pointing to Asuka.
"Eww, I am not touching those," blurted out Asuka.
"Hasta la vista Lei Team!" bellowed all the Jacks in a thick European accent as they flew at the Lei Team in an attempt to crush them.
Lei and the others dove down to the ground to avoid the flying Jacks who then crashed into the wall, Asuka looked at the snake talisman in her hands as it activated and she found herself disappearing.
"What the blue fuck, where did that bitch go?" gasped Hwoarang.
All of a sudden, Hwoarang felt a sharp pain in his nuts as if someone kicked him there, his knees buckled and he hit the ground groaning in pain.
"AAAAHHHH! Ghost! This museum is haunted!" shrieked Dragunov who immediately started to bolt for the door and all of a sudden a loud alarm started blaring.
"Nice going retard, now we're gonna have Johnny Law down here any second," scolded Steve.
"Oh, the guy from the Chinese restaurant with the Engrish accent?" asked Dragunov.
"That's Marshall Law you moron, we're talking that the cops are gonna be here," answered Lei.
"Lei, we need to get out of here fast I don't feel like having some cell mate named Bubba trying to dance with me," remarked Raven.
"Dance, I thought cell mates tried to...oh I get it, it's a euphemism. But yeah I agree, let's bail!" responded Lei.
Lei and the others jumped on some of the Jacks and latched themselves on tight.
"Asuka, are you on one of the Jacks?" asked King.
"Yeah, I'm ready to go too!" answered Asuka.
"Mush Jacks, otherwise I'll tell you something else to make you all puke!" ordered Ganryu.
"You heard the fat man, get to the flying, RARRRGH!" ordered one of the Jack-5s.
All the Jacks flew out of the museum and upon flying out, some of the robots started to buck wildly in an attempt to fling whoever was riding on them off. Lei and his companions gripped tightly to their respective Jack to keep from being flung off. However, the Jack-5 carrying Asuka crashed into another Jack, jarring the snake talisman loose from her grip, she gasped as she once again became visible to everyone.
"Shit, we lost the talisman, this sucks big time!" screamed Asuka.
"It's about to get worse, look!" shouted Xiaoyu who pointed forward signaling that the Jacks were gonna pull a kamikaze attack in an attempt to rid themselves of the Lei Team.
"You're terminated fuckers!" shouted all the Jack-5s in unison as they careened right at a billboard.
"Everybody jump!" yelled Lei as he dismounted his Jack. Th others followed his lead and got off just as the Jacks crashed into the billboard and exploded. A lucky twist of fate had it to where Lei and the others plummeted into someone's backyard swimming pool. Lei and the others quickly swam up to the surface and climbed out of the pool and shook themselves off.
"Boy you gotta love those convinient twists of fate," said Ganryu.
"Ai ya, I hate when I get water up my nose!" screamed Wang.
"Well, now we gotta split up now and find where that snake talisman is," grumbled Raven.
"No need, look at the TV in there," piped Lei pointing to a news broadcast blaring from the TV.
"In shocking news, just now, the Statue of Liberty has vanished into thin air, nobody knows for certain what has happened, an investigation will be held to determine the cause of this," blurted out the television reporter.
"The snake talisman is on Liberty Island, we need to get there post haste," said Raven.
"Hold up, you're saying you know what happened to the Statue of Liberty?" asked a buff blonde man who walked out of the house and looked at the soaking wet Lei Team.
"Yes sir, we're going to go fix the problem right now, the Statue of Liberty will be visible for all to see shortly," answered Lei.
:My name is Alex, I'd like to help you guys fix the problem, I need to show them what a true warrior can do," piped up Alex.
"Warrior, oh, you're that Street Fighter champion aren't you, well then we'd be glad to have you along to assist us in our mission," chimed in Asuka.
"You got it, I do want something from you guys," said Alex.
"Name it," piped Lei.
"I want to see those two girls kiss each other," replied Alex.
"What, me kiss this bitch, are you crazy!" screamed Xiaoyu.
"C'mon Xiaoyu, just take one for the team, we could use this guy's help, since he lives here, he probably knows New York better than we do," informed Lei.
"Fine, but I won't like it," pouted Xiaoyu.
Reluctantly, Xiaoyu and Asuka leaned towards each other and engaged in a long kiss, Lei, Ganryu, King, Raven, and Alex all stared as Wang refused to look since Xiaoyu is his granddaughter. As the two broke the kiss, the men applauded them.
"Ok, you paid your bargain, now I will help you," spoke Alex.
With that, Alex led the Lei Team to a nearby dock were a boat for Liberty Island was. Since Alex was somewhat of a celebrity in New York, the captain allowed him to comandeer the boat. As the Lei Team approached Liberty Island, Wang to chant a chi spell to locate where exactly the snake talisman was.
"Well, this is going smoother than we thought," commented King.
"Ah, thanks for doing the dirty work for us, now to steal the prize from you all," announced Steve as the Dark Hand members appeared again flying on Jack-5s.
"I spoke too soon, now we gotta deal with these pendejos again," grumbled King.
"Lei, you go for the talisman, we'll keep these douchebags busy," ordered Wang.
"That's what I was going to say anyways," replied Lei as he bounded across a wall of Jacks that were blocking his path. As Lei attempted to leap for the island one of the Jack-5s whirled around and grabbed Lei by the shirt, Lei struggled to escape the Jack's grip, but to no avail.
"Hey, get off of my friend bolts for brains!" yelled Alex as he rushed at that Jack and elbowed his head in.
"Thanks man, no problem, go get what you have to, I'll back you up," responded Alex.
The song "Break Ya Neck" by Busta Rhymes began to play as Lei leapt onto the island and started to look for the snake talisman, Paul jumped off the boat and onto the island in pursuit of Lei.
"Mongoose devours snake!" yelled Paul who threw a fist at Lei knocking him to the ground, Asuka then jumped in and kicked Paul hard in the back, Paul turned around angry and looked at Asuka.
"Drunk husband abuses wife!" screamed Paul who cocked his fist back for a powerful blow to Asuka.but Paul felt something tug his hand, He saw Lei grabbing onto his fist keeping him from hitting Asuka.
"Don't you touch that hottie," scolded Lei.
"Swatter smashes fly!" yelled Paul who was about to turn around and deck Lei again, but then he felt a sharp pain in his crotch and he doubled over to grab it, and discovered that Asuka had kicked him in his private area, Lei then delivered a spinning roundhouse to knock Paul off the island.
"Lei, find that talisman quickly, we don't these morons sinking our ship!" cried out Xiaoyu.
"Yu Mow Gui Gwai Fie Di Zow," chanted Wang.
As Wang chanted his chi spell, the snake talisman shimmered and Lei immediately grabbed it, causing the Statue of Liberty to reappear before their eyes.
"All right, Lei did it, the Statue of Liberty is back!" exclaimed Alex who power bombed another Jack-5 into submission.
As Lei grabbed the talisman, he disappeared and Asuka turned around to see the Dark Hand members cornering the rest of the Lei Team.
"ARGGH! We're gonna make you walk the plank," said Dragunov.
"Unless you want to clean our poop decks out," added Lee.
"I'll pass on that," grumbled Ganryu.
"Then hasta la vista baby!" said the Jacks. As the Jacks prepared to knock Lei's friends off of the boat, one of the Jacks felt a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see no one there but then felt himself getting smacked hard and being knocked overboard himself. The other Jacks looked puzzled but soon found themselves getting knocked overboard by an invisible Lei.
"You can't see me, literally, you can't!" taunted Lei.
"Oh crap, this is bad," grumbled Steve and the other Dark Hand members were surrounded by the Lei Team after their Jack-5 militia had been decimated again. Lei made himself visible again and snickered at Steve.
"Convict attempts prison break!" yelled Paul as him, Lee, Hwoarang, and Dragunov all dove off the boat and started swimming for shore.
"Hey wait for me you little punk pussies!" yyelled Steve as he ran towards the end of the boat.
"You can't escape!" yelled Alex who grabbed Steve who started crying like a baby.
"What should we do with our catch, fillet him?" inquired Ganryu.
"Nah, toss him back, he's probably rotten anyways," answered Lei.
"Goodbye bitch!" said Alex as he tossed Steve into the water. The moment Steve hit the water, he was caught in the fishing net of a nearby boat.
"At ease loser!" shouted Alex and the Lei Team to Steve.
"ARRGGGH! This be a fine catch that I got, plus I got me a new swabbie!" said the fishing boat captain. Steve started to wail again.
"Good work Lei, we got a new talisman!" said Raven.
"And thanks for stopping that big lummox Paul from damaging me," added Asuka who promptly gave Lei a kiss to thank him.
"Well, before you guys leave the Big Apple, is there anything else you'd like to do with you?" asked Alex.
"Yeah, I'd like to find Derek Jeter's house and teepee it," said Wang.
"Indeed, that would be fun," said the rest of the Lei Team.
"Well, ok I'm with ya, I never liked Derek Jeter to begin with," remarked Alex.
With that, Lei and friends, along with Alex took the boat back to the harbor and spent the day buying toilet paper, and vandalizing a famous baseball player's house with it.
"You gotta love New York," commented Lei.
Ask Lei segment
"Hey Lei," piped up some little kid.
"Yes?" asked Lei.
"Do you like Asuka?" asked the kid.
"My answer is, what straight man doesn't like her? In my opinion, she's the hottest girl in Tekken. I even have a tape of her in the shower, and I'll give copies to anyone who thinks that she's the hottest girl too," answered Lei.
"Uh, I do," said the kid.
"Here's your copy, only $9.99, order yours now today folks!" announced Lei.
Author's Note: Well another chapter down, and yeah I'm with Lei in thinking that Asuka is the hottest Tekken girl, her and Xiaoyu. Well now Asuka will be in the future chapters too as well since she's supposed to be one of the main good guys. I also hope you Street Fighter fans enjoyed Alex's appearance in this chapter. Anyways, I'm off to go plan the next chapter, so until then however, please read and review. (Buys Asuka's
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