Lei Wulong's Adventures 2

Chapter 12: Pig Sty

Soon after obtaining the dog talisman, the Lei Team soon found themselves boarding a plane for Germany upon hearing that another talisman was present in that country. Upon arriving at an airport in Berlin, the Lei Team look areound their surroundings.
"Ah, Germany, the home of great beer and some of the finest automobiles in the world," commented Lei.
"Yup, but knowing that they we're our enemies in both World Wars does make me a little worried for our safety," stated Raven.
"I don't think we have to worry about that anymore, that was over sixty years ago," remarked Asuka.
"Indeed, all we have to worry about is finding that talisamn and securing it before those Dark Hand maricons get a hold of it," added King.
"So true, let's get to looking for clues," suggested Lei.
As they walked out, Xiaoyu spotted a young German looking person with short blonde hair and red eyes walking. The person had a thin physique and was clad in a powder blue zip up jacket, black pants, and black sneakers, Xiaoyu started to swoon.
"Wow, what a hot guy, I gotta go talk to him," said Xiaoyu in a dream like state.
"No you don't, we have work to do," ordered Lei who grabbed Xiaoyu by her shirt and dragged her out of the airport. As the Lei Team left the airport, the Dark Hand arrived and surveyed their surroundings.
"Well my comrades, we're going to create a massive blitzkrieg on Berlin in order to find that talisman," said Steve.
"What's a blitzkrieg?" asked Lee.
"It means lighting war," answered Steve.
"Who is lightning having a war with, thunder?" asked Dragunov.
"Water conducts electricity!" yelled Paul who smacked Dragunov upside the head.
"Anyways, we'll have to go digging through a lot os slop to find that pig talisman, so let's get to business," ordered Steve.
"Essen mein schisse!" shouted Paul as the Dark Hand left the airport. Meanwhile in the streets of Berlin, the Lei Team looked all around for any clues that would've pointed them to the pig talisman, eventually, they decided to rest in a German pub also hoping someone would know what they were talking about.
"Ah, a nice pub, I could use a nice pint of beer right now," piped Ganryu.
"Ai ya, we no need you drunk and puking, I no like hangover!" cried out Wang.
"C'mon Wang, Germans love drinking, we gotta have a beer while we're here," stated Lei.
"Yeah, strap on your lederhosen and loosen up," added Asuka.
"I not wear lederhosen, it's too tight around my crotch, no one wants to see Wang's old wrinkly balls," cried out Wang.
"You know viejo, cerveza es muy bueno," remarked King.
"Ooh, it's that hottie from the airport, I gotta have a drink with him!" exclaimed Xiaoyu who saw the blonde person she was eyeing at the airport.
"Hey Leo, here's your beer!" called out the bartender to Xiaoyu's crush.
"Ooh, Leo is a hot name, I'm not gonna let you drink alone baby," cooed Xiaoyu as she stood up and prepared to walk to where Leo was sitting.
"Hate to sadden your happy hour, but we need that talisman from you now," spoke Steve's voice from behind them.
"We don't have the talisman yet you idiot, we came in here to relax, have a drink, and hopefully find something out," responded Raven.
"What a coincidence, so did we, well I guess we'll both find out the info at the same time, kick your ass and then take the talisman for ourselves," taunted Hwoarang.
"Yeah right wiener schnitzel," retorted Lei.
"Yay, my first bar room brawl, this is so exciting!" exclaimed Dragunov.
"Ok then, time to leave you in a pool of blood and vomit," said Ganryu.
The song "Du Hast" by Rammstein began to play as a big brawl in the bar took place between the Lei Team and Dark Hand. More Jack-5s materialized to assist the Dark Hand in the brawl.
"Hey, let me get some of your strong shit bartender," ordered Hwoarang.
"I don't think you can handle the strong stuff you lightweight," replied Lei as he smashed his pitcher over Hwoarang's head.
"Drunkard urinates on keyboard," shouted Paul as he attempted to knock Lei down with a punch, but missed and wound up smashing a jukebox.
"You sound like a broken record," commented as he decked with a roundhouse to the face.
"Lei, let's get out of here, no point in draining a good watering hole," suggested Raven.
"You got it, everyone split up!" announced Lei.
Without a moment's hesitance, the Lei Team all ran out of the bar and split up and ran down the streets of Berlin, the Dark Hand hastily followed them out.
"You guys, split up as well and get them out of our hair once and for all," ordered Steve.
"But they aren't in my hair, they're running around somewhere," remarked Dragunov.
"Barber shaves patron bald!" yelled Paul who smacked Dragunov again before running off in pursuit of the members of the Lei Team.
As Lei ran across through the city, he climbed up onto a light fixture and started bounding across the roofs of various buildings. He saw numerous Jack-5s hot on his tail as he leapt from building to building.
"Vieners and sauerkraut!" beeped one of the Jacks as he flew after Lei.
"Hey, let's polka!" replied Lei as he grabbed an accordion from a nearby shop and threw it in the Jack's exhaust causing him to overheat and explode.
"According to what just happened, I found a good use for the accordion," remarked Lei as he continued to run, he eventually ran into a clothing store and the legion of Jacks followed suit. Upon entering the clothing store, he ran into a dressing room where he saw Asuka in there hiding as well.
"Whoa Lei, what's going on here?" asked Asuka.
"There's a bunch of Jacks after me, we need to be quiiet so they don't find us," whispered Lei.
"Here, put these on over your clothes, disguise yourself," suggested Asuka throwing some women's clothes and a blonde wig at Lei.
"Uh, ok I never thought I'd have to cross dress in my life, no RuPaul jokes please," grumbled Lei.
As Lei finished putting on his disguise, Asuka hid under a pile of clothes and a Jack ripped open the door somewhat confused.
"Have you seen Chinese man run in here?" asked the Jack.
"No, sorry, haven't seen him at all," answered Lei in a mock feminine voice.
"Uh, which way did he go George?" asked the Jack to another Jack.
"My name is not George, it's Jack," answered the other Jack.
"Hey, your name is my name too," piped the first Jack.
"I know that, let's look elsewhere, we must find Lei fast," ordered the other Jack.
As both Jacks left the clothing store, Lei sighed in relief and Asuka scrambled out of the clothing pile and also sighed in relief.
"Whew, glad they're gone, now I can get out of this get up, I don't know how you can wear this stuff Asuka," grumbled Lei.
"I do it to look sexy, and it works doesn't it," inquired Asuka.
"Yeah it does, but on you, not on me," replied Lei.
Just then, a tall buff German man with black afro like hairstyle, and clad in a pink tank top, jeans, and boots walked into the clothing and walked over to Lei who still in the women's attire, the German man had hearts in his eyes.
"Ooh, you look nice, you be my fraulein?" asked the German man.
"Huh, who are you, and what's a fraulein?" asked Lei.
"My name is Hugo, I looking for a fraulein, which means girlfriend, you want be Hugo's fraulein?" asked Hugo.
"Uh, that's a very nice offer, but I think I'll pass," answered Lei.
"Why you no want be Hugo's fraulein?" inquired Hugo.
"Because I'm a guy," answered Lei.
"You look like female though, you dress like female," stated Hugo.
"This was to fool some people chasing after me, I'm really a guy, I have a penis," responded Lei.
"Me no want fraulein with penis, what about girl next to you, will she be Hugo fraulein," remarked Hugo in regards to Asuka.
"Uh sorry, I'm this guy's fraulein," answered Asuka who pointed to Lei.
"Aww, me want find fraulein with no penis, my current fraulein, Poison has penis, me want fraulein with no penis," cried Hugo.
"Hey, if we find someone we think you'd like, we'll let you know," affirmed Lei.
"No penis?" asked Hugo.
"No penis," affirmed Asuka.
"Good, see you when you find fraulein for Hugo," cheered Hugo as he skipped away merrily. Lei and Asuka just watched Hugo skip away and then Lei threw off the women's clothing and sighed in relief upon looking like a man again.
"Well, let's get going, we still to find out where the pig talisman is," said Lei.
"Already ahead of you, I found out from some sausage salesman where the talisman lies," answered Wang as him and the rest of the team ran into the store and reunited with Lei and Asuka.
"Where is it?" questioned Asuka.
"It's in a nearby clock tower, we have to get there ASAP, I'm sure the Dark Hand is on their way there as well, so let's make tracks," answered Ganryu.
With that, the Lei Team all took off for the clock tower. Unbeknownst to them, Lee was hiding in another fitting room, and snickered upon hearing the news.
"Wait till big Stevie finds this out, it's gonna be so FABULOUS!" cooed Lee.
Lee ran off to go tell the other Dark Hand members where the talisman was, meanwhile, the Lei Team had just arrived at the clock tower and were now climbing up to the top area where the pig talisman was supposed to reside and began to immediately rummage around looking for where the talisman may be resting.
"Hurry and find talisman, the clock is ticking, literally!" ordered Wang.
"All right, all right, keep your drawers on viejo," grumbled King.
"I do not wear drawers, wood gives me splinters!" cried out Wang.
"He means keep your underwear on, we'll find the talisman eventually," replied Xiaoyu.
Eventually as Lei climbed to the top of the tower, he saw an indentation on a wall nearby, as he looked at the groove, he saw a stone embedded in it with a picture of a pig on it painted in pink. Lei's eyes grew wide as he grabbed the pig talisman.
"All right, I have a prize winning pig here guys, we have the talisman!" exclaimed Lei as he climbed down the clock tower.
"Well then, I guess it's time to make smoked bacon and ham out of you little piggies!" called out Steve as the Dark Hand entered the clock tower as well.
"Oh no it's the big bad wolf, let's all hide," said Asuka sarcastically.
"You laugh now, but you'll be going wee wee wee all the way home when we're done with you," remarked Hwoarang.
"This little piggy went to market!" yelled Paul.
"You won't succeed in blowing our house down bitches!" retorted Raven.
"Time to send you to the slaughterhouse again," said Lei as a legion of Jack-5s appeared out of nowhere, the song "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco began to play as a brawl began to take place within the clock tower. Raven grabbed a broken gear and chucked it at a Jack, who dodged, the gear hit Steve in the face making him cry.
"You should have stayed home little piggies!" called out Dragunov as he ran forward and threw out a punch to Xiaoyu while her back was turned, Xiaoyu turned around and started to fight with Dragunov. Xiaoyu ducked under a high kick from Dragunov and smacked him in the face with an open palm strike. Dragunov then swept Xiaoyu onto the ground, but King came up from behind him and clotheslined the Russian, then both Xiaoyu and King did a legdrop on Dragunov leaving him gasping for air.
Lei leapt into the fray knocking over a group of Jacks like a pair of dominoes. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lee run at him and try to deliver a couple of chops, Lei blocked the chops and and hit Lee with two strikes to the face followed by crane kick combo.
"Farmer slops pig!" yelled Paul who aimed a strike at Lei, who moved back to dodge, but Paul's attack barely nicked Lei to where it sent the pig talisman flying loose from his grip. As the talisman went sailing into the air, Hwoarang tried to jump after it, but Ganryu knocked him away using his giant belly and grabbed the talisman, securing it for the Lei Team.
"Aw, you fat ugly pig, you suck," groaned Hwoarang.
"Oh shut up!" yelled Ganryu as the pig talisman activated in his hands, a strange pink beam emitted from Ganryu's eyes and a laser fired out and hit Hwoarang in the groin. The redhead screamed out in pain and writhed on the floor.
"Ha ha, I fried your sausage!" laughed Ganryu.
"How about giving us some extra crispy bacon?" suggested Asuka as she knocked a Jack away with a roundhouse.
"No problem," replied Ganryu as he fired his eye lasters at a row of Jacks frying all their circuits in the process.
"Hmm, the pig talisman gives us the ability to shoot lasers from the eyes, that's a weird power to receive from a pig," mused Wang.
"I'll huff and puff and blow your house down!" shouted Paul as he tried to attack Ganryu in order to steal the pig talisman.
"Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins!" exclaimed Lei as he tripped Paul sending him careening into the clock tower pendulum and knocking him dizzy.
"You worthless pile of pig vomit, I'll get you one of these days!" screamed Steve at the Lei Team.
"Hey Ganryu, let me see the talisman, let me fry his bratwurst," said Lei.
Ganryu nodded and handed the pig talisman to Lei, who began aiming lasers at Steve who started dancing frantically to avoid them, he eventually ran out of the clock tower, the Dark Hand quickly following suit as the Jacks once again vanished into thin air,.
"Th-th-that's all folks!" shouted Paul as the Dark Hand ran off.
"Well my little friends, how about hitting up that pub again, and getting a nice drink of German beer!" suggested Lei.
The Lei Team all nodded in approval and they all headed back to the pub, Xiaoyu immediately spotted Leo over by the bar stools and sat down to go talk to the blonde.
"Hey baby, how about you and I get to know each other a little better?" asked Xiaoyu.
"That's nice and all, but I'm not like that," answered Leo.
"A hot guy like you turning a hot girl like me down, that's preposterous," pouted Xiaoyu.
"I'm a girl too you idiot," retorted Leo.
"That's bullshit," said Xiaoyu.
"No it's not, I shall show you if you must know," replied Leo who pulled down her pants showing Xiaoyu that indeed she was female.
"Hey Lei, I think we found somebody for him," remarked Asuka.
"Oh Hugo, we found a fraulein for you!" called out Lei.
With that, Hugo immediately came bounding into the bar and took a look over at Leo, he scratched his head as he eyeballed the German female.
"That a female?" asked Hugo.
"Yeah she is, no penis either," answered Asuka.
"Nice, you be Hugo fraulein," boomed Hugo.
"What are you talking about?" asked Leo.
"Me like you, you be Hugo fraulein now," answered Hugo as he hoisted Leo over his shoulders and carried her off.
"Hey put me down, help me!" shrieked Leo as Hugo carried away his new fraulein.
"Heh, so much for you finding a guy Xiaoyu," stated Raven.
"Maybe not, that guys looks nice and toned," said Xiaoyu pointing to a Japanese person in a baggy off white gi and a yellow band around the neck, Xiaoyu walked over to the person and sat down.
"Hi, what's your name," asked Xiaoyu.
"My name is Makoto, and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm a hot guy and you wanna hook up with me," answered Makoto.
"Yeah, that's what she's thinking," stated Lei.
"Well, she's thinking wrong, because I'm a girl, I just don't like to show it," responded Makoto.
"Really, you're a girl too?" asked Asuka.
"Yeah, you wanna see," answered Makoto as she flashed the Lei Team her chest.
"Whoa, those are nice," spoke Lei, Ganryu, King, and Raven in unison as they looked at Makoto's breasts with great glee.
"Yeah, very nice," said Wang as he walked up and started poking at Makoto's breasts, which caused the young short haired female to get angry and smack the old coot with one of her most powerful attacks.
"Seichuusen Godanzuki!" hollered Makoto who riddled Wang with numerous punches, and sent him sailing with a powerful uppercut.
"AI YA, LOOKS LIKE WANG JINREI BLASTIING OFF AGAIN!" hollered Wang as he went sailing away into the sky. The Lei Tam all looked onward, as Wang started to fade into the distance.
"Well that was a great happy hour, well, let's go grab the old pig and head back home," said Lei as him and the rest of the Lei Team downed their pitchers of beer and all ran off after Wang.
Ask Lei segment
"Hey Lei," pipes up some little kid.
"Yes," asked Lei.
"Who makes the best beer?" asked the kid.
"You're a kid, so you shouldn't be drinking, but when you're old enough, I'll be honest, every country in the world has good beer, however, even though I'm Chinese, I'd have to with King in saying that Mexicans do it best in the brew business," answered Lei.
"Ok, thank you," said the kid.
"Fuck fear, drink beer!" called out Lei.

Author's Note: Well another chapter in the records. Hopefully all you Street Fighter fans enjoyed seeing Hugo and Makoto make appearances, and that Tekken fans enjoyed seeing the Tekken 6 newbie Leo. Expect to see other Tekken 6 newbies as well (I have another newbie, Miguel slated to appear in a later chapter as well). Well I'm off to go plan out the next chapter, so until then though, please read and review.